Void

When a pending pain is so big, there is an inner place that a soul will go to keep from breaking. A place where it sits and holds terribly still, an emotional coma that allows our heart a moment of Peace so that we can begin to heal. In this place we find a void, where there is no feeling, no up, no down, no sound, no taste. I can’t laugh or cry about you. I can’t run or can’t hide from you. There is not one day that goes by that I don’t wish I had you – so I guess in a way I am glad I still get a piece of you. I have written a million notes; some in love and some in anger. Yet, they are still lying in a drawer. I guess you get numb to the sting of the pain. I am just not sure how I keep you from doing this to me. I want it – but don’t at the same time. Crystal

One of my favorite journalists: Anais Nin

Anais Nin is a author from 90+ years ago and I think she is simply fabulous. Here is some of her stuff I have been reading lately. Isn't she bold and wonderful?

“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.” ― Anais Nin

“We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are.” ― Anais Nin

“From the backstabbing co-worker to the meddling sister-in-law, you are in charge of how you react to the people and events in your life. You can either give negativity power over your life or you can choose happiness instead. Take control and choose to focus on what is important in your life. Those who cannot live fully often become destroyers of life.” ― Anais Nin

“I hate men who are afraid of women's strength.” ― Anais Nin, Henry and June: From "A Journal of Love"--The Unexpurgated Diary of Anais Nin

And then there is my favorite of all...

"Something changes the moment you decide
you've found a person you are ready to reveal parts of your soul to.
Something stands out and makes the moment unique.
A profound multidimensional clarity resembling
a piece of carefully gathered stardust;
As if you are whispering "finally" and
your eyes fill with light and spontaneity.
As if you do not care whether your heart will
melt or crumble in the process because
of your brief courage undoes your tremendous fear of disbelief.
You live for these moments;
For you are, maybe for one second or more,
sweetly forced to surrender yourself to unconditional intimacy.
A moment of psychological reward smashing
all self-imposed disciplines founded on terror.
This is all you need." Anais Nin

Good Reading,
Crystal

What you see...

What you see sometimes can hurt. I have spent so much time in the secret place lately with Jesus. So much so, that some friends have been asking what I have been doing and where have I been. All I know to do is when I hurt... I take it to the secret place. When I don't understand... I take it to the secret place. When I want something SO BAD to happen and it doesn't... I take it to the secret place. I haven't gotten answers - but my burden has been lighten. I continue to get a "its gonna be alright" sense.. although I have no idea how.. I know He's got it. I cannot label situations with what I see with my naked eye. Because what I see at the moment looks absolutely nothing like what has been promised me. I mean it is almost the very opposite. But I am confident in what God has promised me for my life and I am hanging onto it for dear life. Everytime I go to him and pour out to him... I ask him to remove my passion for the things that aren't his will and to remove my narrow minded ways if he has things bigger and better for me that I cannot see at this time. I can promise that if it wasn't God in this - I would not hang onto it. I would not keep pursuing it. Because it hurts. I actually have never pursued something so much EVER in my whole life. I have never trusted anything to be so true and right when it looked the exact opposite. But I can with God. I can trust Him and what He has for my life. I know what that is... I just don't know His timing. Seems as things get easier to trust but they still "look" the same. So.. Today and everyday I choose to believe what he says is true versus what I see. Everyday that looks like crap... I choose to see beauty... I choose to see myself as He sees me, with who He sees me with, with what He sees me doing. I choose it.. always.



I choose Jesus.

Crystal

Love...

Well.. it has been over a year since I have posted. A lot has changed in that year. I had a great relationship. One that really rocked my world. But notice I said "had". I am not really going to get into many details about that. Too much... not enough space.

Mainly I am learning so much about love. Love really does conquer everything. As elementary as that seems sometimes - it holds so much power. Love allows me to look past everything I do not want to do in the flesh and overcome that with love. It allows me to look past every negative mindset, emotional, or feeling that I have and overcome that with love. We are required to love and it is such a blessing when we actually learn how to do so. God has completely wrecked me and my thinking within this year. I enjoy everyone's love. All of my friends are getting married, having babies, and loving life... and I really love their love. I am not jealous. I love it. That is an area I can see the Lord has really worked on me. I struggled with the fear of lonliness for so long and now that I finally have deliverance over that... I am infactuated with love... and not my love but everyone's. I applaud it and I literally get excited about it. Its so strange to me if I think about it in the flesh but it is so awesome.

At this time in my life, this is where I feel I am, and what the Lord is saying to me... If I just press in with all that I have, he will restore everything. If I just keep on keeping on giving everything to him and totally using him as my focus... restoration will come in every part of my life. How simple. This season I have stepped into is not peaches. I see things with my eyes that I have to overlook. I see desires for relationships that I want and think are right for me... but I have to overlook. Because my focus isn't on that. It is on Him. I can finally worship in church and not be distracted by who is singing. I can finally really really press in and feel God's presence stronger than I ever have. I have a fire in me, a yearning heart and it's pretty great. The devil is so stupid. He really is. His lies are no comparison to the truth I can back up with God's word. I am who God says I am and nothing less.

This blog is about to take a turn. No more of this mumble grumble stuff I was doing in the years past. I am more than my feelings. I am surrounded with love and even when I don't "feel" it. I love everything. I love God and I love every one of my friends. I love every relationship I have and previously had. I am thankful for so many things that knocked me down... because God picked me up. He rescued me and .... ahhhh I just am so in love with Him.

On November 16, 2012 I wrote a letter. A letter to someone who will always be a huge part of me. I was so vulnerable in that letter. I shredded every bit of shame off of me. I apologized for things, that in my flesh I didn't even think I did. But that's what love is. I give up the right to be right. I don't care about being right. I love enough that I will give up myself for someone. That is love. I want what's best for them. I am happy with whats best for them no matter if it ever involves me. That is love. I want to learn how to love even more. The more I press into God.. the more love I am exposed to.


Love conquers all
Crystal

My life couldnt be anymore perfect...

Wow... Its been a while since I posted last. Me and Blake are back. Stronger and more in love than ever. It was like God had to take me to a place where all I had was his love and nothing or nobody else on this earth to depend on. I found inner peace with myself and as that happened -- my life started to get better and relationships started to form out of the blue. I mean, come on... being apart for 7 months and never speaking at all.. and all the sudden we are talking - confessing our feelings to each other, and so on. That stuff doesnt just happen. It is destined by God. It amazes me. Blake is awesome. We are awesome. WE are a complete 180 degrees from what we were. But in a good way.. a GREAT way. I cannot WAIT to see what happens next. We have been back for 4 months and these 4 months have simply been better than the past 2 years we had together. I am tickled to death!

So in Love,
Crystal

Pulled in different directions...

Wow.. So lately things have really changed. I have had great moments that I have truly missed. God is really workin on things in my life and I feel at peace where he is taking me. Since things are going so well... You know what that means. It means that others will try to discourage you, bring you down, and make you second guess every blessing God is giving you. It hurts me sometimes that others can't be happy for you. Maybe they dont understand what your doing at the moment but it shouldnt matter. I just need everyone to worry about their own lives and if they suspect that I am not doing something right then I would appreciate prayer. Not discouragement-- especially on the one thing that makes me so happy!

I also learned since the last time I blogged that a friend of mine had different intentions that never ever would have crossed my mind. It sucks. I care a lot about that person and now that this has come up... We no longer can be close like we were. I was there for them.. And they were always there for me. But now, everything changes. Everything is awkward and complicated. I don't know what to think about it honestly. I kinda am shocked by it. I'm just gonna miss my friend.

I know that when you are being attacked by something/someone that means that you must be doing something right and something that the devil feels threatened by. So I am holdin on and trying to constantly love others despite all of their discouragments and blows to my heart. I am commanded to love everyone as Christ loves the church. I will do my part and hopefully they will come around. This is hard but I am learning to be more tolerable and to cling closer and more on Gods word and not the approval of man.

I feel like I am being pulled on several different directions but I am keeping my focus and trying to be strong.

Crystal

Take me back Tuesday.

Its been a while since I blogged. Things have been a little crazy.

Here recently, things have been different. Better. But different. I have been spending a lot of time in the word. A lot of time "digging", for answers, for decisions. I seem like I have found some light to certain situations. I have been having some really special times lately. Times I have missed.

I have taken certain vows with the Lord. Vows to myself and vows that will affect whoever I date, and ultimately marry. I have been tugged toward this for a while now. Finally, my pride took a backseat and I took the vow. It will take so much effort. But my God is a big God and I believe he has big plans for me. Not sure how long this will take. But I am devoted.

I want to believe that everyone has the right motives. That the things they do and say and how they treat you are pure and honest. It really is hard to do. I don't always want to search for an underlying meaning to why someone acts the way they do. I am working on this.

Lately, I have had to put such a guard on my heart. I am still hooked to a lot things in this life that mean a lot to me. But no matter my feelings I have to make sure they line up with God's will for my life. I can't let my feelings run my life and be the reason why I do certain things. I have to do things out of truth and for the kingdom of God. If not, everything is useless. So I am praying that God remove these feelings or show me that they are pure and honest and they do line up with his will. I must be strong and follow him... not flesh.

This Tuesday took me back,
Crystal