Memories

Memories make you hurt. Memories make you smile. Seems lately that no matter how much I remember and how much I remember all the struggles. I still want you. I still feel like thats where we are meant to be. Thats been really hard these past 6 months. Really hard. But I feel a sense of peace about it. It doesnt make it "go away" perhaps but just makes it bearable. God continues to show me things and visions that I can't share with anyone because they are about the two of us. Some are just about you but most include both. I am happy that we can get along now, I am happy that we can laugh and cut up and be civil around each other. No one really knows all the thoughts running through my head. Through the "crumbling" of our relationship, I have realized that I put all my hope in a relationship with you and for you to make me happy. I didnt put all my hope in the relationship that I had with God. That is terrible. I have realized that the need to have the "constant" person with me was me trying to fill the void that only God can fill. He is with me always, and no offense, but I didnt need you with me always, because he was there. I desired, adored, and was so emotionally attached to you. There is nothing wrong with that, but what was wrong was that I did that to only you and did not have a HIGHER affection for God. I desired that from you and only you. During this time of my life, God has revealed his self so strong. He has basically said I AM YOUR LOVE. YOU DONT NEED ANY OTHER LOVERS. All that affection and adoration I gave you is what he is worthy of. I now think on him constantly instead of you. He has taught me the balance of the love of things on this Earth and the love that he is worthy of. Which is EVERYTHING. I have prayed and asked him to remove these thoughts of you from my mind. But for 6 months, he hasn't. It never fails.. every day... EVERY SINGLE DAY... I will have a weak moment. A moment where this huge lump in my throat comes in and I feel like I have a hard time breathing. It is during that time that something reminds me of you. I remember a certain memory or something else that brings this weak moment on. I press in with God and ask what the truth is, why does this happen. Like I said before, it would be so much easier to not remember you, to not want you back. This is in the Lord's hands and I am finally okay with the fact that his plan could take years. I need to be anxious in nothing. He has a plan for me and you that is SO great. Right now, I believe it is for us together... but maybe not. I am holding on to his promises and his direction and if that leads to you... awesome. If not, I pray that these thoughts, and feelings cease. and fast! This is not easy whatsoever. But it is teaching me more than I ever would have known otherwise. Everything works together for our good.

and the lump appears yet again...
Crystal

The truth is...

Where my head is at the moment:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cDSCjmxO4T4

"Oh it's easy going out on Friday, It's easy everytime I see him out, I can smile, live it up, forget about the way it was, Oh but what he, what he don't know is how hard it is to make it look so easy..."

"The truth is that I miss lyin' in those arms of his. But I don't ever let it show, I laugh and I act like I'm having the time of my life as far as he knows.."

"It's easy goin' out on a Friday night. Easy, everytime I see him out
I can smile, live it up, The way a single girl does. But, what he, what he don't know, is how hard it is to make it look so easy"

I remember things, things I wish I didn't. Your hands, your feet, your smile, your freckles. I don't just see them and remember what they look like. I remember what they used to look like in my hands, propped up next to my feet, I remember the smile that could crash a million walls, I remember tracing all those freckles with my fingers. I remember everything. All I need is one glimpse, and I remember it all. I just want to forget it all, forget everything, I used to want to remember the good and forget the bad. Now, I just want to forget it all. Its not easy remembering you. Its not easy pretending to not care and that you are a casual friend. I want to forget. Lord, please help me to forget. I don't want to remember what was. I want to forget what crushed me.

It's just not easy,
Crystal

Closer

Quote of the YEAR:
"Talking with quiet confidence will always beat screaming with obvious insecurity!"

Amen to that!! I have to constantly remind myself that the devil is at work, not just on me, but the people around me. He knows what gets under my skin and what irritates me the most. But I cannot let him win. I cannot let my pride and insecurities get in the way of the ultimate goal of loving others no matter their ways. Lately, I have been bothered by someone who used to be close to me. They used to be such a great friend. Now, nothing. Its a complete 180 degrees from what it used to be and not only that... but they are the one person, lately, that causes me to struggle with my walk. It is so nuts. This is what happens, though, when we put our hope in the things and the people of this world. Everybody will disappoint you. Everyone. However, I must treat them as Jesus would treat them and love them as Jesus loves them. That is the MOST difficult thing for me. I will admit that I am a stubborn person, but I will also admit that I try really really hard to get along with everyone and make everyone happy. It really gets to me when after all my efforts, that some people just aren't lovable. IN THE LEAST!
Last night, I had a dream. I believe I'll share it. I was in a dark room and all I could hear was crickets and creaking floors. It was cold and uncomfortable. This room felt sticky as if you were in a dungeon and couldn't see the nasty and creepy things sitting around you. This room had no windows, and I was so scared. However, there was one light shining from beneath the door of that room. I kept trying to crawl to the light but it seemed that the floor was tough to walk on and I kept falling. Everytime I would get up the light seem to get brighter. I kept going and going and would get so tired. After numerous attempts I finally made up my mind that I was tired of being "held back". I was tired of just sitting in a cold place and not OVERCOMING the darkness. I am sure you can already see the message of this dream. COMPLETELY POWERFUL. But in the dream I felt as if I struggled forever. But I finally got to the light and it was almost if I could breathe fresher. I opened the door and all I could see (in my dream) was me smiling with the biggest smile I could have. I believe it was the Lord's way of telling me to keep going, the light (him) is worth every struggle.. dont be complacent in my walk, just because its hard, DONT GIVE UP! Here lately, things have been hitting me pretty hard, but I have kept going. Although I dont see any answers, I know that the ultimate answer is worth the struggle. This life is hard and people will lash out at you and hurt you. Life will not be comfortable. But I am an overcomer. I know the promises that the Lord has given me, and although I have tried to forget them or push them aside because now they seem unachieveable, they are HIS promises to me, and if I hold steady everything will come to pass. Through these past 5 months, I have seen such a growth because I have made my mind up to never lose sight of his love. Sometimes I dont feel it, but its not about feelings. It is about certainty. I feel as if I can hear his voice clearer and I can recognize his glory in the small things that I never had before. God is such an awesome God. I have to constantly and daily make my mind up to keep going. Because it's gonna be worth it, its gonna be worth it all. :)

Keep running the race,
Crystal

Day 21

3 weeks down on this stupid diet and I have lost 12 lbs. Need to be losing more but it seems as if my body looses sporadically and on its timing. So I am still eating 500 calories and taking these drops. Maybe soon I will start picking up a little faster.

I am trying to constantly surround myself with some inspiration!!

Anyways, I go to the beach in 1 week from tomorrow with just my mother! I cannot wait!! It will be good for us both to get away!! I hope I lose another 8 lbs before next week. I really want to be down 20 when I go to the beach. I will still have 10 more to go but atleast I can feel comfortable on the beach.

Lately, I have been seeking God like never before. Like seeking him hard. In everywhere, in every place, in every circumstance. I recently had a scare at my house and someone stole stuff... and that instance made me so fearful. But instead of running and worrying as I would have done before... I have DECLARED that I am safe. I have a God that is always by my side and he has his angel's around my house at all hours of the day. I have had a sense of faith that is deeper than ever before. I have always believed and always sought after God... but now its just on a different level. I want to continue to go deeper and discover him in more places in my life. I want him to be my answer to everything, because he is. He is the answer.

Also, it seems during this time in my life, there is not that many positive influences around me. I mean, yeah at church, but not really in my everyday life. I have had to separate myself from some friends. But someone recently told me that is it better to have favor with God, anytime, and not have favor with your friends. This is so true. We must continue to not try to please this world but please him. That also goes for our flesh. WE must continue to not strive to please what our body wants but what God wants for us.

Last night at prayer service, Jesus was so evident in that sanctuary. Me and him talked... really talked. The biggest thing here lately that I have struggled with is love. Not loving others, I feel like I do a pretty good job with that... but myself feeling love. I have a hard time, if I dont feel like I am loved from "that significant other", or "family" or friends. That really gets to me, more than it should. But last night I felt as if God was telling me that HIS love is enough. He is more than enough. He is love and if I have him, thats all I need. When I pray, I promise it is like I am talking to him face to face. Someone who didnt have that kind of relationship with him might think I am crazy if they heard me. But I prayed that he would take the desire out of my life for a "husband" or a "significant other" if it was not my time to have a relationship that would lead to that. I am seriously exhausted and drained from the devil drilling me with thoughts as if "I am not loved" or "I am not good enough" or "I will always be single and lonely" I dont believe those. I just believe there are things that some people have to wait for. "Having faith in God, means also having faith in His timing" So that is what I am doing. Trusting him, removing the desires and cares from my heart that he is not "ready" for me to pursue at this time. I am focused on Him and His walk for my life at this time. And if I seek him first, well then everything else will be added unto me. He promises that in his word. And right now, that is what I am clingling to.

Love,
Crystal

Day 16

"Don't exchange what you want most, for what you want at the moment."

This has been really hard lately. I am not a bragger or anything like that... at all... but I have had guys come up randomly and ask me out or to hang or whatever you call that now.. (I am so out of the loop) and I automatically say no. Without a second breath. I don't want anyone else. Like the above quote says, I am not going to exchange something ok for something great. Just not going to happen. I am old enough to know that something great is worth waiting for. God continues to prove himself to me daily, and show me his light and purpose for my life. So I gotta stay strong. (story of my life). One of my good friends is now engaged. I am so very very happy for her. She deserves happiness. There isn't many girls/guys left in my senior class that arent married/having babies. Its a bummer every once in a while when I think about it. But I try to stay away from those thoughts. Not good for the soul, you know?
I KNOW what the Lord has picked out for me is an awesome, magical, and GRAND kinda love. A love never ending, goofy, and dependable. I don't want to love anyone else. I wanna love just you. Only you. I am tired of putting my heart on the ground for someone to come pick it up, and instead people just step on it. I want you to come pick it up, I want you to come rescue my heart, and never let it go. Too much to ask? Possibly.

But "why not go out on a limb? Isn't that where the fruit is?"

Today is Day 16 of my diet... down 10 lbs. 20 more to go..

It's always been you,
Crystal

This too shall pass...

I had to have some inspiration for this diet. Whew! Its not easy. I'm down 7 lbs and been holding for 2 days. Need to get fierce! Last night I threw softball with friends, I need some cardio but on this diet I have zero energy! Then today thanks to Pinterest, I found some inspiration.

This is TOO TRUE! Gotta be strong!! I don't live to eat, I just eat to live.

Anyways, on to better things. This is my birthday month! Geez, 23. Time flies. We talked about where we'd be at this time. Its completely different from where we are now. I have came to the conclusion though, that everything is going to be ok. I believe the Lord has his hand on my life and my heart and he is guiding me every step of the way. Thats the only way to happiness. After the last recent cry fest about a week ago, I made myself a promise. No one else will see me cry. (unless in church or something, but thats Jesus and happy tears!) But no one will see me cry again. I used to have this wall up and no one did ever see my emotions, then you came along and broke it all down. Well now, your gone and I am putting it back up. I have to be reminded that decisions need to be based on the Lord's will and not my emotions, so therefore, no more! So for the past week, I have woke up sad. I wake up from some dream about us, or I just wake up thinking about us. I think about this and nothing else all morning while getting ready. (this is nuts, I know...but) sometimes I even picture that you are up getting ready for work too, at the same time, and what it would be like if I never screwed up. Where would our lives be if we were in the same place? Thinking this way is NOT good for me at all. Normally I get in the shower every morning and the tears start to pour. That is my cryplace. Its the place where I can let it all out and loose to God. Some people sing in the shower? I pray, and I pray loud. I get fierce with the Lord and I bawl my eyes out. Every morning. I feel refreshed and ready for the day though. Knowing I got my emotions out and showed them to the one true friend that I have, Jesus. He listens to me and I know he is right there with me, holding me while I cry. The Lord has this. I know he has it in his hands. Its just my turn to play the role of the patient and waiting servant. Its hard, but this too shall pass.

Crystal

Family

Man, I haven't been homesick in over 4 years. I miss my family a lot. I do. Always. But never like this. I think its because I am an Aunt of 3 adorable nephews. I feel like I am missing out on their life. They have a hard time sometimes remembering my name. That stings a little. My family all lives close, except me. They all go out to eat, go swimming, cook dinners, and it sucks!!
Here is the family, at Parker's Baby Dedication... without me :(

The family is getting big. Chase and Ashley haven't even started yet. Imagine what it will be like when they have kids and 10 years down the road when I have kids. This family will be huge. I love big families. I really hope I have a big family of my own one day. I'd love that. Its comforting to always know you got someone there for you. I am the youngest of 4. I love for my little girl or boy one day to feel the love I feel for these people.
Here is my 3 nephews. They are tooooo CUTE!!

This is Seth (Adam's oldest, he's 4)

This is Sawyer (Adam's youngest, he's 2)

and this little man, is Parker. He will be 10 months this month.

I just love those kids. I miss all my family a lot. A whole lot!!

Here is some more pictures of the family to enjoy :)

That's my family. They are probably the best I know :)

Have a great day!!
Crystal