Thursday, July 21, 2011

where to begin..

Lately, I've felt like I have erased everything I have worked for and completely started over at square 1. Its not easy not knowing where you stand and where to even go. I am standing in the mirror at a new beginning. Beginnings can be refreshing but not for me. I, for once, want something familiar -- something that I can run to when things get messy. It doesn't seem like things stay the same anymore. Someone is always changing, leaving, or finding something different. I like change -- I do. I just want one thing to call home. One thing to be able to remember and make memories with. I want something set in stone, something that never leaves, something that is dependable. No one these days seems dependable. They are so busy with their own lives and sometimes we all forget the importance of having each other. We need each other. We need people to lean on and depend on. Lately the Lord has been teaching me patience. Patience to hold on, to trust that there is something dependable and permanent and never changing worth waiting for. Its out there. and I just have to be patient for the right timing.

The unknown scares the donkeybutt out of me. At times I enjoy my alone time but more times than not do I long to have that one person, that one special person to be my rock. Sometimes I carry such huge loads with work and all the responsibilities I have recently taking on -- sometimes I need someone else to be the rock. I cant always hold it together. I am a tough girl who is unbreakable on the outside - but inside I am just a basketcase. I know; however, that during this time I have to use it to grow. If we arent growing - then we arent seeking. I need to use this time to seek God and seek who I am. It is important to know that God has my future in his hands and although I might have had things completely figured out in my head - those were my feelings - not his will. There is a huge difference and I have to choose to seek his will and not what I want in life.

Also, lately the Lord has been teaching me another lesson about how important it is to love everyone. We are called to be just like him. His love is like no other, he is love. I want to look past the worlds imperfections, peoples imperfections, wrongdoings, judgemental attitudes, and just love them. It is hard to love the unlovable. It is hard to love the people that continuously hurt you. But we have to, we cannot afford to let bitterness in our hearts. Its not worth it.

My life right now just consists of watching everyone else make major decisions in their life, get married, start families, and really start living -- while I am just now figuring out where and who I am supposed to be. In a sense I get angry but I am hanging on to the word and trusting that in God's timing - my true happiness will start.

Goodnight all.

Crystal

1 comments:

Anonymous said...

I know EXACTLY what you are talking about!!! But like you, I know one thing for sure, that GOD has such HUGE plans for my life, and they are completely worth every second of waiting and being patient.
Don't ever feel like youre alone in feeling this way, because BELIEVE me, you arent! It can be so hard sometimes.

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