Sunday, July 31, 2011

Seek ye First..

But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. Matthew 6:33. This word was given to me by someone tonight that I look up to so much. I know this scripture and have heard it a million times. But here lately it has been so hard to see past the edge of my nose sometimes. I never know where to go, what to do, who to trust, who can be depended on. Nothing. I feel like a lost sheep. I pray constantly for wisdom and direction. Tonight, hearing that this is what the Lord wanted to let me know, even though I already "knew" it. It was so great. It was confirmation of I dont have to see anything clearly. I, cant do anything without him. I must continue to seek him first. Continue to do without that one special "Love", and without other things in this life, and seek him first. And then all those others things will be added unto me. It so hard not to want to constantly "fix" things and "make" things happen. But I cant. God has to. Thats his job, not mine. I have to deal with me, get my walk right, and continue to grow, and leave my permanent decisions and life changing experiences up to him. Man, thats so hard. GOD is in control.. God is in control.

If this is how it hurts, it couldnt get much worse,
if this is how it feels to fall, then thats the way it is,
We live with what we miss, we learn to build another wall,
until it falls.

If its it between love and loosing, to never have known the feeling,
Ill still side with love, and if i end of lonely,
atleast Ill be there knowing, I believed in love.

To clear some things up, what we had was real.. I loved you with a everlasting love, a love I still have and havent stopped having. I love others before you, with love. With a genuine love. I wanted the best for them, I wanted to be there for them, and I wanted all of that. My love for you caused me to be absent from the relationship. To be rude, inconsiderate, and someone who I am not. I was somewhat manupulative into trying to make them you. Crazy right? Love does crazy things. I have prayed for the Lord to remove this from me if it is not right, so the next relationship I have, it can be true, and I can finally be able to give me, all of me. If I am physically able to do so. But if I continue to feel this way, then all I now is to continue to trust God, to continue rely on him for guidance until the next step in my life.

I cant be sad, the best is yet to come.
Just gotta hold my head high, Its hard to say goodbyes,
I have to keep taking the chance, I hope you understand.
I will not forget those times, I wont forget those feelings,
so dont forget I am going to see you again.

see ya soon

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

last night..

I stayed up until 3 last night. I drove around every inch of the shoals area. I understand everything. I do. I understand why and how. I get it. But I dont want it. You have your ways. I cant get away from it. I poured out everything that night. I will definitely have no regrets. You know my heart. Thats all I can do. Now, God's got it. I'll never see you. So I guess thats that. People ask me all the time to "go out". I dont want to. I dont even find them attractive. Believe me, normally, I would go. Go with anyone to get out of the norm of being at home. But not now. No guy seems appealing in the least bit.

"There's an opportune time to do things, a right time for everything...." Ecclesiastes 3:1 I love this scripture. I actually rehearsed it and this is what I spoke about win I won my senior pageant in high school. I thought I had it all together and knew exactly what this meant. Crazy, how scripture and God's word becomes more real to you everyday. Today, this means something completely different.

I got hurt. But I caused it. We all cause our own hurt. Others might try but if they hurt us, its because we let them. I let you last night. It sometimes is better to feel hurt than absolutely nothing at all from you. But I guess this is it. We are what we are... but I am holding strong. We will be what we will be.

Remaining Hopeful,

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Don't expect.

Hey All :)
So today is day 4 of my diet. Actually day 2. The first 2 days you GORGE yourself to gain energy for the next 30 days. Your body uses the drops to convert food into energy directly, and suppress your appetite. I only intake 500 calories a day - and I can barely eat those. I am always sooo FULL! I have lost 2 pounds. You are supposed to lose 30 lbs in 30 days... so we will see how this goes. I will be 23 in 1 month and 3 days. I am going to the beach... I am DEFINITELY sticking to this diet. If I lose 30 lbs by my birthday... hello beach!!

I cannot believe I will be 23. Geez Louise. 4 years ago, if you would have told me I'd be 23 single, working my butt off, owning a home, and actually enjoying yard work... baha! I would have said you're nuts! But that is actually were I am. I live for the day. When I am working, I am thinking about what house work, what yard work has to be done when I get home. (except laundry - I literally despise laundry!!!!!!) At 18, I had my whole life planned out. I thought I'd be married at this age... kids at this age... blah blah blah. NOPE. Life changes and surprises you.

I've learned to not "expect" things. When you expect someone to do something, expect someone to be something, expect to have certain things... you are setting yourself up for failure. Dont expect anything - just live for today. Then if something you want to happen actually happens. Awesome! I absolutely HATE disappointment and failure - so this is how I am going to cope with that.


Its like I'm not with me..

Going strong on 2 weeks... I am really not strong enough for this. Lord, patience and perseverance. Love bears all things.

The above song is my feelings for today.. Heard it in Lowe's department store... so I went over to the gardening section, sat in a patio chair, and just listened. Its perfect.

I miss those blue eyes, how you kissed me at night, I miss the way we sleep, like theres no sun rise, like the taste of your smile, I miss the way we breathe...

But I never told you what I shouldve said, no I never told you, I just held it in. And now, I miss everything about you. I cant believe that I still want you. After all the things we've been through, I miss everything about you.

I see your blue eyes everytime I close mine, you make it hard to see
Where I belong to when I am not around you, Its like I'm not with me.

I never should have walked away,


Sunday, July 24, 2011


Jesus loved me so much he gave his son for me. For all of us. He knew every mistake I would make, every sin I would commit, and still died for me. His love is so powerful. Just when I feel like this world couldnt get more hypocritical and feel more lonely - he wraps his loving arms around me and reminds me of why I am here. We are called to change our surroundings. To make a difference. To shine his love to everyone around us. I cant do that while moping around and complaining. Yeah, Im lonely, yeah, I am upset. But there is a dying world out there going to hell and I need to wake up and get myself together. Jesus did not die on the cross for me to sit around and complain about whats not right in my life. He died to realize what is right and that I am saved and I am going to spend eternity in heaven and to GO OUT and bring others on this journey with me. My priorities have definitely been in check tonight. Its okay to vent, its okay to admit that things arent perfect, but that is exactly whey we need him. Lord, come change my heart. Come make me see things as you see them, and in the ORDER you see them. Let me not be blinded to those around me and let me be aware of others hurts and how I can show your love. I dont want my shortcomings to distract me for what I am here to do. That is to love you and love others and show your love. Everything is a lesser thing compared to you. That is so real to me. Everything else in this world will pass away. One day it will be just me and you... and all the others who chose you. No fashion, no houses, no money, nothing else. Everything really is a lesser thing compared to you. Continue to make this even more real everyday. I want to be engaged and connected to you more and more.

I am so blessed. I know I vent and complain about what I dont have. But I never really say what I do. I have an awesome family. Great friends. And a wonderful loving church. I have a home and am blessed to have life and a chance to live. Jesus is awesome. If you dont know him... come find me. He will rock your world. He loves ordinary people. He can use ordinary people like you and me to make a huge difference in this world. You need him. Nothing else matters and everything really is a lesser thing compared to him. Promise.

Time for beddy bye.. :)



Listen to the above song.. its where my heart is tonight. It deals with a girl who wants something so bad to happen and then realizes that since it he never will be only hers then she moves on. I understand this. I get being lonely sucks, trust me. But I cant seem to get to the giving up part. I want to sometimes. In every other situation, Id give it a big "forget you" and move on. I cant forget it. I havent ever forgot it. Ive tried. It just never truly went away. I wont be able to have a successful relationship until something changes. Either my feelings, or... well lets just leave it at that.

Yeah, I make decisions without thinking and I HAVE to stop. I jump to conclusions and decide what I feels best and act on it. I have been better at this. Learning to trust and putting things in Gods hands. But it seems I like to be in control and always KNOW what will happen so I can guard my heart. But I cant win that way. The way to true happiness it to let God direct. I know this, I do. Its just really hard to continually turn everything over to him, daily. I feel as if I need to know, to be warned, I really cannot stand another heartbreak. God knows that... right? Please Lord, dont let me go through anything like that again. I am giving it all to you. Please, not again.

Its late, and again I cant sleep. Its been a week since we talked. Lord, please?


Saturday, July 23, 2011

Late night thoughts...

I absolutely never stay up this late. But after a movie night with Jameri, I cant seem to sleep. I have a bajillion thoughts running through my head. I have determined that in my life, I am devoting myself to live with no regrets. True.. I have some in my past. Who doesnt? But I want to change and rekindle what I feel should have never been torn apart. 2 years ago I was so young, not in just age but in maturity. I wanted to explore the new things and try new relationships with new friends and different people. But what I didnt realize is what I had. I had probably the best thing I will ever have... I am I sucker to believe everything happens for a reason and maybe I wouldnt truly know what I felt until I felt what it was like to look back and miss it. Like really miss it.

Like I said before, I am using this time to focus. Focus on things that matter and that I can actually control. I dont control my future. So I am just making myself available for God to use. But during this focus time, I am focused and determined to lose weight. I am not happy with myself. I feel sluggish and unattractive. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin... so tomorrow starts the fiercness. I am so determined and in 30 days there will be a significant difference in my looks. No doubt. Just wait.

Live the life of no regrets. Thats kinda hard to do right? No one intentionally does something that they would regret, well, not everyone. I see my future so different than the present. I see myself so happy with so much of my dreams and goals unraveling. There is nothing wrong with wanting love and your own fairy tale. However, there is something wrong with not excepting the real life story of fairy tales. They're are not easy, some take time, some take work, and others might not happen. Its a hard pill to swallow, but I promise, I will do all I can to make sure I am available for the Lord to work in my life. For me to be ready when my time comes for him to use me. I dont want to miss it. I want to be ready.

Rambling on...


Thursday, July 21, 2011

where to begin..

Lately, I've felt like I have erased everything I have worked for and completely started over at square 1. Its not easy not knowing where you stand and where to even go. I am standing in the mirror at a new beginning. Beginnings can be refreshing but not for me. I, for once, want something familiar -- something that I can run to when things get messy. It doesn't seem like things stay the same anymore. Someone is always changing, leaving, or finding something different. I like change -- I do. I just want one thing to call home. One thing to be able to remember and make memories with. I want something set in stone, something that never leaves, something that is dependable. No one these days seems dependable. They are so busy with their own lives and sometimes we all forget the importance of having each other. We need each other. We need people to lean on and depend on. Lately the Lord has been teaching me patience. Patience to hold on, to trust that there is something dependable and permanent and never changing worth waiting for. Its out there. and I just have to be patient for the right timing.

The unknown scares the donkeybutt out of me. At times I enjoy my alone time but more times than not do I long to have that one person, that one special person to be my rock. Sometimes I carry such huge loads with work and all the responsibilities I have recently taking on -- sometimes I need someone else to be the rock. I cant always hold it together. I am a tough girl who is unbreakable on the outside - but inside I am just a basketcase. I know; however, that during this time I have to use it to grow. If we arent growing - then we arent seeking. I need to use this time to seek God and seek who I am. It is important to know that God has my future in his hands and although I might have had things completely figured out in my head - those were my feelings - not his will. There is a huge difference and I have to choose to seek his will and not what I want in life.

Also, lately the Lord has been teaching me another lesson about how important it is to love everyone. We are called to be just like him. His love is like no other, he is love. I want to look past the worlds imperfections, peoples imperfections, wrongdoings, judgemental attitudes, and just love them. It is hard to love the unlovable. It is hard to love the people that continuously hurt you. But we have to, we cannot afford to let bitterness in our hearts. Its not worth it.

My life right now just consists of watching everyone else make major decisions in their life, get married, start families, and really start living -- while I am just now figuring out where and who I am supposed to be. In a sense I get angry but I am hanging on to the word and trusting that in God's timing - my true happiness will start.

Goodnight all.


What the heck...

I  thought why not! I always have a lot happening in my life. Crazy things that I bring upon myself. I am an independent girl who is learning to do things by herself. Life has a lot of ups and downs and I am determined to keep going. I will not let the trials of this life bring me down. The Lord is my provider and my shelter.

I recently bought a home for my own. It has been quite an experience. I am learning to mow the grass, pressure washer the driveway, and all sorts of tasks and chores that normal 23 year old girls never do. If it needs to be done -- I will find a way for it to happen.

This blog could get sappy at times, looney at times, and just plain crazzyyy.

Hope you enjoy!

Love Crystal