Wednesday, September 28, 2011


Memories make you hurt. Memories make you smile. Seems lately that no matter how much I remember and how much I remember all the struggles. I still want you. I still feel like thats where we are meant to be. Thats been really hard these past 6 months. Really hard. But I feel a sense of peace about it. It doesnt make it "go away" perhaps but just makes it bearable. God continues to show me things and visions that I can't share with anyone because they are about the two of us. Some are just about you but most include both. I am happy that we can get along now, I am happy that we can laugh and cut up and be civil around each other. No one really knows all the thoughts running through my head. Through the "crumbling" of our relationship, I have realized that I put all my hope in a relationship with you and for you to make me happy. I didnt put all my hope in the relationship that I had with God. That is terrible. I have realized that the need to have the "constant" person with me was me trying to fill the void that only God can fill. He is with me always, and no offense, but I didnt need you with me always, because he was there. I desired, adored, and was so emotionally attached to you. There is nothing wrong with that, but what was wrong was that I did that to only you and did not have a HIGHER affection for God. I desired that from you and only you. During this time of my life, God has revealed his self so strong. He has basically said I AM YOUR LOVE. YOU DONT NEED ANY OTHER LOVERS. All that affection and adoration I gave you is what he is worthy of. I now think on him constantly instead of you. He has taught me the balance of the love of things on this Earth and the love that he is worthy of. Which is EVERYTHING. I have prayed and asked him to remove these thoughts of you from my mind. But for 6 months, he hasn't. It never fails.. every day... EVERY SINGLE DAY... I will have a weak moment. A moment where this huge lump in my throat comes in and I feel like I have a hard time breathing. It is during that time that something reminds me of you. I remember a certain memory or something else that brings this weak moment on. I press in with God and ask what the truth is, why does this happen. Like I said before, it would be so much easier to not remember you, to not want you back. This is in the Lord's hands and I am finally okay with the fact that his plan could take years. I need to be anxious in nothing. He has a plan for me and you that is SO great. Right now, I believe it is for us together... but maybe not. I am holding on to his promises and his direction and if that leads to you... awesome. If not, I pray that these thoughts, and feelings cease. and fast! This is not easy whatsoever. But it is teaching me more than I ever would have known otherwise. Everything works together for our good.

and the lump appears yet again...

Friday, September 16, 2011

The truth is...

Where my head is at the moment:

"Oh it's easy going out on Friday, It's easy everytime I see him out, I can smile, live it up, forget about the way it was, Oh but what he, what he don't know is how hard it is to make it look so easy..."

"The truth is that I miss lyin' in those arms of his. But I don't ever let it show, I laugh and I act like I'm having the time of my life as far as he knows.."

"It's easy goin' out on a Friday night. Easy, everytime I see him out
I can smile, live it up, The way a single girl does. But, what he, what he don't know, is how hard it is to make it look so easy"

I remember things, things I wish I didn't. Your hands, your feet, your smile, your freckles. I don't just see them and remember what they look like. I remember what they used to look like in my hands, propped up next to my feet, I remember the smile that could crash a million walls, I remember tracing all those freckles with my fingers. I remember everything. All I need is one glimpse, and I remember it all. I just want to forget it all, forget everything, I used to want to remember the good and forget the bad. Now, I just want to forget it all. Its not easy remembering you. Its not easy pretending to not care and that you are a casual friend. I want to forget. Lord, please help me to forget. I don't want to remember what was. I want to forget what crushed me.

It's just not easy,

Thursday, September 1, 2011


Quote of the YEAR:
"Talking with quiet confidence will always beat screaming with obvious insecurity!"

Amen to that!! I have to constantly remind myself that the devil is at work, not just on me, but the people around me. He knows what gets under my skin and what irritates me the most. But I cannot let him win. I cannot let my pride and insecurities get in the way of the ultimate goal of loving others no matter their ways. Lately, I have been bothered by someone who used to be close to me. They used to be such a great friend. Now, nothing. Its a complete 180 degrees from what it used to be and not only that... but they are the one person, lately, that causes me to struggle with my walk. It is so nuts. This is what happens, though, when we put our hope in the things and the people of this world. Everybody will disappoint you. Everyone. However, I must treat them as Jesus would treat them and love them as Jesus loves them. That is the MOST difficult thing for me. I will admit that I am a stubborn person, but I will also admit that I try really really hard to get along with everyone and make everyone happy. It really gets to me when after all my efforts, that some people just aren't lovable. IN THE LEAST!
Last night, I had a dream. I believe I'll share it. I was in a dark room and all I could hear was crickets and creaking floors. It was cold and uncomfortable. This room felt sticky as if you were in a dungeon and couldn't see the nasty and creepy things sitting around you. This room had no windows, and I was so scared. However, there was one light shining from beneath the door of that room. I kept trying to crawl to the light but it seemed that the floor was tough to walk on and I kept falling. Everytime I would get up the light seem to get brighter. I kept going and going and would get so tired. After numerous attempts I finally made up my mind that I was tired of being "held back". I was tired of just sitting in a cold place and not OVERCOMING the darkness. I am sure you can already see the message of this dream. COMPLETELY POWERFUL. But in the dream I felt as if I struggled forever. But I finally got to the light and it was almost if I could breathe fresher. I opened the door and all I could see (in my dream) was me smiling with the biggest smile I could have. I believe it was the Lord's way of telling me to keep going, the light (him) is worth every struggle.. dont be complacent in my walk, just because its hard, DONT GIVE UP! Here lately, things have been hitting me pretty hard, but I have kept going. Although I dont see any answers, I know that the ultimate answer is worth the struggle. This life is hard and people will lash out at you and hurt you. Life will not be comfortable. But I am an overcomer. I know the promises that the Lord has given me, and although I have tried to forget them or push them aside because now they seem unachieveable, they are HIS promises to me, and if I hold steady everything will come to pass. Through these past 5 months, I have seen such a growth because I have made my mind up to never lose sight of his love. Sometimes I dont feel it, but its not about feelings. It is about certainty. I feel as if I can hear his voice clearer and I can recognize his glory in the small things that I never had before. God is such an awesome God. I have to constantly and daily make my mind up to keep going. Because it's gonna be worth it, its gonna be worth it all. :)

Keep running the race,