Sunday, November 6, 2011

Pulled in different directions...

Wow.. So lately things have really changed. I have had great moments that I have truly missed. God is really workin on things in my life and I feel at peace where he is taking me. Since things are going so well... You know what that means. It means that others will try to discourage you, bring you down, and make you second guess every blessing God is giving you. It hurts me sometimes that others can't be happy for you. Maybe they dont understand what your doing at the moment but it shouldnt matter. I just need everyone to worry about their own lives and if they suspect that I am not doing something right then I would appreciate prayer. Not discouragement-- especially on the one thing that makes me so happy!

I also learned since the last time I blogged that a friend of mine had different intentions that never ever would have crossed my mind. It sucks. I care a lot about that person and now that this has come up... We no longer can be close like we were. I was there for them.. And they were always there for me. But now, everything changes. Everything is awkward and complicated. I don't know what to think about it honestly. I kinda am shocked by it. I'm just gonna miss my friend.

I know that when you are being attacked by something/someone that means that you must be doing something right and something that the devil feels threatened by. So I am holdin on and trying to constantly love others despite all of their discouragments and blows to my heart. I am commanded to love everyone as Christ loves the church. I will do my part and hopefully they will come around. This is hard but I am learning to be more tolerable and to cling closer and more on Gods word and not the approval of man.

I feel like I am being pulled on several different directions but I am keeping my focus and trying to be strong.


Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Take me back Tuesday.

Its been a while since I blogged. Things have been a little crazy.

Here recently, things have been different. Better. But different. I have been spending a lot of time in the word. A lot of time "digging", for answers, for decisions. I seem like I have found some light to certain situations. I have been having some really special times lately. Times I have missed.

I have taken certain vows with the Lord. Vows to myself and vows that will affect whoever I date, and ultimately marry. I have been tugged toward this for a while now. Finally, my pride took a backseat and I took the vow. It will take so much effort. But my God is a big God and I believe he has big plans for me. Not sure how long this will take. But I am devoted.

I want to believe that everyone has the right motives. That the things they do and say and how they treat you are pure and honest. It really is hard to do. I don't always want to search for an underlying meaning to why someone acts the way they do. I am working on this.

Lately, I have had to put such a guard on my heart. I am still hooked to a lot things in this life that mean a lot to me. But no matter my feelings I have to make sure they line up with God's will for my life. I can't let my feelings run my life and be the reason why I do certain things. I have to do things out of truth and for the kingdom of God. If not, everything is useless. So I am praying that God remove these feelings or show me that they are pure and honest and they do line up with his will. I must be strong and follow him... not flesh.

This Tuesday took me back,

Wednesday, September 28, 2011


Memories make you hurt. Memories make you smile. Seems lately that no matter how much I remember and how much I remember all the struggles. I still want you. I still feel like thats where we are meant to be. Thats been really hard these past 6 months. Really hard. But I feel a sense of peace about it. It doesnt make it "go away" perhaps but just makes it bearable. God continues to show me things and visions that I can't share with anyone because they are about the two of us. Some are just about you but most include both. I am happy that we can get along now, I am happy that we can laugh and cut up and be civil around each other. No one really knows all the thoughts running through my head. Through the "crumbling" of our relationship, I have realized that I put all my hope in a relationship with you and for you to make me happy. I didnt put all my hope in the relationship that I had with God. That is terrible. I have realized that the need to have the "constant" person with me was me trying to fill the void that only God can fill. He is with me always, and no offense, but I didnt need you with me always, because he was there. I desired, adored, and was so emotionally attached to you. There is nothing wrong with that, but what was wrong was that I did that to only you and did not have a HIGHER affection for God. I desired that from you and only you. During this time of my life, God has revealed his self so strong. He has basically said I AM YOUR LOVE. YOU DONT NEED ANY OTHER LOVERS. All that affection and adoration I gave you is what he is worthy of. I now think on him constantly instead of you. He has taught me the balance of the love of things on this Earth and the love that he is worthy of. Which is EVERYTHING. I have prayed and asked him to remove these thoughts of you from my mind. But for 6 months, he hasn't. It never fails.. every day... EVERY SINGLE DAY... I will have a weak moment. A moment where this huge lump in my throat comes in and I feel like I have a hard time breathing. It is during that time that something reminds me of you. I remember a certain memory or something else that brings this weak moment on. I press in with God and ask what the truth is, why does this happen. Like I said before, it would be so much easier to not remember you, to not want you back. This is in the Lord's hands and I am finally okay with the fact that his plan could take years. I need to be anxious in nothing. He has a plan for me and you that is SO great. Right now, I believe it is for us together... but maybe not. I am holding on to his promises and his direction and if that leads to you... awesome. If not, I pray that these thoughts, and feelings cease. and fast! This is not easy whatsoever. But it is teaching me more than I ever would have known otherwise. Everything works together for our good.

and the lump appears yet again...

Friday, September 16, 2011

The truth is...

Where my head is at the moment:

"Oh it's easy going out on Friday, It's easy everytime I see him out, I can smile, live it up, forget about the way it was, Oh but what he, what he don't know is how hard it is to make it look so easy..."

"The truth is that I miss lyin' in those arms of his. But I don't ever let it show, I laugh and I act like I'm having the time of my life as far as he knows.."

"It's easy goin' out on a Friday night. Easy, everytime I see him out
I can smile, live it up, The way a single girl does. But, what he, what he don't know, is how hard it is to make it look so easy"

I remember things, things I wish I didn't. Your hands, your feet, your smile, your freckles. I don't just see them and remember what they look like. I remember what they used to look like in my hands, propped up next to my feet, I remember the smile that could crash a million walls, I remember tracing all those freckles with my fingers. I remember everything. All I need is one glimpse, and I remember it all. I just want to forget it all, forget everything, I used to want to remember the good and forget the bad. Now, I just want to forget it all. Its not easy remembering you. Its not easy pretending to not care and that you are a casual friend. I want to forget. Lord, please help me to forget. I don't want to remember what was. I want to forget what crushed me.

It's just not easy,

Thursday, September 1, 2011


Quote of the YEAR:
"Talking with quiet confidence will always beat screaming with obvious insecurity!"

Amen to that!! I have to constantly remind myself that the devil is at work, not just on me, but the people around me. He knows what gets under my skin and what irritates me the most. But I cannot let him win. I cannot let my pride and insecurities get in the way of the ultimate goal of loving others no matter their ways. Lately, I have been bothered by someone who used to be close to me. They used to be such a great friend. Now, nothing. Its a complete 180 degrees from what it used to be and not only that... but they are the one person, lately, that causes me to struggle with my walk. It is so nuts. This is what happens, though, when we put our hope in the things and the people of this world. Everybody will disappoint you. Everyone. However, I must treat them as Jesus would treat them and love them as Jesus loves them. That is the MOST difficult thing for me. I will admit that I am a stubborn person, but I will also admit that I try really really hard to get along with everyone and make everyone happy. It really gets to me when after all my efforts, that some people just aren't lovable. IN THE LEAST!
Last night, I had a dream. I believe I'll share it. I was in a dark room and all I could hear was crickets and creaking floors. It was cold and uncomfortable. This room felt sticky as if you were in a dungeon and couldn't see the nasty and creepy things sitting around you. This room had no windows, and I was so scared. However, there was one light shining from beneath the door of that room. I kept trying to crawl to the light but it seemed that the floor was tough to walk on and I kept falling. Everytime I would get up the light seem to get brighter. I kept going and going and would get so tired. After numerous attempts I finally made up my mind that I was tired of being "held back". I was tired of just sitting in a cold place and not OVERCOMING the darkness. I am sure you can already see the message of this dream. COMPLETELY POWERFUL. But in the dream I felt as if I struggled forever. But I finally got to the light and it was almost if I could breathe fresher. I opened the door and all I could see (in my dream) was me smiling with the biggest smile I could have. I believe it was the Lord's way of telling me to keep going, the light (him) is worth every struggle.. dont be complacent in my walk, just because its hard, DONT GIVE UP! Here lately, things have been hitting me pretty hard, but I have kept going. Although I dont see any answers, I know that the ultimate answer is worth the struggle. This life is hard and people will lash out at you and hurt you. Life will not be comfortable. But I am an overcomer. I know the promises that the Lord has given me, and although I have tried to forget them or push them aside because now they seem unachieveable, they are HIS promises to me, and if I hold steady everything will come to pass. Through these past 5 months, I have seen such a growth because I have made my mind up to never lose sight of his love. Sometimes I dont feel it, but its not about feelings. It is about certainty. I feel as if I can hear his voice clearer and I can recognize his glory in the small things that I never had before. God is such an awesome God. I have to constantly and daily make my mind up to keep going. Because it's gonna be worth it, its gonna be worth it all. :)

Keep running the race,

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Day 21

3 weeks down on this stupid diet and I have lost 12 lbs. Need to be losing more but it seems as if my body looses sporadically and on its timing. So I am still eating 500 calories and taking these drops. Maybe soon I will start picking up a little faster.
I am trying to constantly surround myself with some inspiration!!

Anyways, I go to the beach in 1 week from tomorrow with just my mother! I cannot wait!! It will be good for us both to get away!! I hope I lose another 8 lbs before next week. I really want to be down 20 when I go to the beach. I will still have 10 more to go but atleast I can feel comfortable on the beach.

Lately, I have been seeking God like never before. Like seeking him hard. In everywhere, in every place, in every circumstance. I recently had a scare at my house and someone stole stuff... and that instance made me so fearful. But instead of running and worrying as I would have done before... I have DECLARED that I am safe. I have a God that is always by my side and he has his angel's around my house at all hours of the day. I have had a sense of faith that is deeper than ever before. I have always believed and always sought after God... but now its just on a different level. I want to continue to go deeper and discover him in more places in my life. I want him to be my answer to everything, because he is. He is the answer.

Also, it seems during this time in my life, there is not that many positive influences around me. I mean, yeah at church, but not really in my everyday life. I have had to separate myself from some friends. But someone recently told me that is it better to have favor with God, anytime, and not have favor with your friends. This is so true. We must continue to not try to please this world but please him. That also goes for our flesh. WE must continue to not strive to please what our body wants but what God wants for us.

Last night at prayer service, Jesus was so evident in that sanctuary. Me and him talked... really talked. The biggest thing here lately that I have struggled with is love. Not loving others, I feel like I do a pretty good job with that... but myself feeling love. I have a hard time, if I dont feel like I am loved from "that significant other", or "family" or friends. That really gets to me, more than it should. But last night I felt as if God was telling me that HIS love is enough. He is more than enough. He is love and if I have him, thats all I need. When I pray, I promise it is like I am talking to him face to face. Someone who didnt have that kind of relationship with him might think I am crazy if they heard me. But I prayed that he would take the desire out of my life for a "husband" or a "significant other" if it was not my time to have a relationship that would lead to that. I am seriously exhausted and drained from the devil drilling me with thoughts as if "I am not loved" or "I am not good enough" or "I will always be single and lonely" I dont believe those. I just believe there are things that some people have to wait for. "Having faith in God, means also having faith in His timing" So that is what I am doing. Trusting him, removing the desires and cares from my heart that he is not "ready" for me to pursue at this time. I am focused on Him and His walk for my life at this time. And if I seek him first, well then everything else will be added unto me. He promises that in his word. And right now, that is what I am clingling to.


Friday, August 12, 2011

Day 16

"Don't exchange what you want most, for what you want at the moment."

This has been really hard lately. I am not a bragger or anything like that... at all... but I have had guys come up randomly and ask me out or to hang or whatever you call that now.. (I am so out of the loop) and I automatically say no. Without a second breath. I don't want anyone else. Like the above quote says, I am not going to exchange something ok for something great. Just not going to happen. I am old enough to know that something great is worth waiting for. God continues to prove himself to me daily, and show me his light and purpose for my life. So I gotta stay strong. (story of my life). One of my good friends is now engaged. I am so very very happy for her. She deserves happiness. There isn't many girls/guys left in my senior class that arent married/having babies. Its a bummer every once in a while when I think about it. But I try to stay away from those thoughts. Not good for the soul, you know?
I KNOW what the Lord has picked out for me is an awesome, magical, and GRAND kinda love. A love never ending, goofy, and dependable. I don't want to love anyone else. I wanna love just you. Only you. I am tired of putting my heart on the ground for someone to come pick it up, and instead people just step on it. I want you to come pick it up, I want you to come rescue my heart, and never let it go. Too much to ask? Possibly.

But "why not go out on a limb? Isn't that where the fruit is?"

Today is Day 16 of my diet... down 10 lbs. 20 more to go..

It's always been you,

Friday, August 5, 2011

This too shall pass...

I had to have some inspiration for this diet. Whew! Its not easy. I'm down 7 lbs and been holding for 2 days. Need to get fierce! Last night I threw softball with friends, I need some cardio but on this diet I have zero energy! Then today thanks to Pinterest, I found some inspiration.

This is TOO TRUE! Gotta be strong!! I don't live to eat, I just eat to live.

Anyways, on to better things. This is my birthday month! Geez, 23. Time flies. We talked about where we'd be at this time. Its completely different from where we are now. I have came to the conclusion though, that everything is going to be ok. I believe the Lord has his hand on my life and my heart and he is guiding me every step of the way. Thats the only way to happiness. After the last recent cry fest about a week ago, I made myself a promise. No one else will see me cry. (unless in church or something, but thats Jesus and happy tears!) But no one will see me cry again. I used to have this wall up and no one did ever see my emotions, then you came along and broke it all down. Well now, your gone and I am putting it back up. I have to be reminded that decisions need to be based on the Lord's will and not my emotions, so therefore, no more! So for the past week, I have woke up sad. I wake up from some dream about us, or I just wake up thinking about us. I think about this and nothing else all morning while getting ready. (this is nuts, I know...but) sometimes I even picture that you are up getting ready for work too, at the same time, and what it would be like if I never screwed up. Where would our lives be if we were in the same place? Thinking this way is NOT good for me at all. Normally I get in the shower every morning and the tears start to pour. That is my cryplace. Its the place where I can let it all out and loose to God. Some people sing in the shower? I pray, and I pray loud. I get fierce with the Lord and I bawl my eyes out. Every morning. I feel refreshed and ready for the day though. Knowing I got my emotions out and showed them to the one true friend that I have, Jesus. He listens to me and I know he is right there with me, holding me while I cry. The Lord has this. I know he has it in his hands. Its just my turn to play the role of the patient and waiting servant. Its hard, but this too shall pass.


Tuesday, August 2, 2011


Man, I haven't been homesick in over 4 years. I miss my family a lot. I do. Always. But never like this. I think its because I am an Aunt of 3 adorable nephews. I feel like I am missing out on their life. They have a hard time sometimes remembering my name. That stings a little. My family all lives close, except me. They all go out to eat, go swimming, cook dinners, and it sucks!!
Here is the family, at Parker's Baby Dedication... without me :(
The family is getting big. Chase and Ashley haven't even started yet. Imagine what it will be like when they have kids and 10 years down the road when I have kids. This family will be huge. I love big families. I really hope I have a big family of my own one day. I'd love that. Its comforting to always know you got someone there for you. I am the youngest of 4. I love for my little girl or boy one day to feel the love I feel for these people.
Here is my 3 nephews. They are tooooo CUTE!!
This is Seth (Adam's oldest, he's 4)
This is Sawyer (Adam's youngest, he's 2)
and this little man, is Parker. He will be 10 months this month.

I just love those kids. I miss all my family a lot. A whole lot!!

Here is some more pictures of the family to enjoy :)

That's my family. They are probably the best I know :)

Have a great day!!

Sunday, July 31, 2011

Seek ye First..

But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. Matthew 6:33. This word was given to me by someone tonight that I look up to so much. I know this scripture and have heard it a million times. But here lately it has been so hard to see past the edge of my nose sometimes. I never know where to go, what to do, who to trust, who can be depended on. Nothing. I feel like a lost sheep. I pray constantly for wisdom and direction. Tonight, hearing that this is what the Lord wanted to let me know, even though I already "knew" it. It was so great. It was confirmation of I dont have to see anything clearly. I, cant do anything without him. I must continue to seek him first. Continue to do without that one special "Love", and without other things in this life, and seek him first. And then all those others things will be added unto me. It so hard not to want to constantly "fix" things and "make" things happen. But I cant. God has to. Thats his job, not mine. I have to deal with me, get my walk right, and continue to grow, and leave my permanent decisions and life changing experiences up to him. Man, thats so hard. GOD is in control.. God is in control.

If this is how it hurts, it couldnt get much worse,
if this is how it feels to fall, then thats the way it is,
We live with what we miss, we learn to build another wall,
until it falls.

If its it between love and loosing, to never have known the feeling,
Ill still side with love, and if i end of lonely,
atleast Ill be there knowing, I believed in love.

To clear some things up, what we had was real.. I loved you with a everlasting love, a love I still have and havent stopped having. I love others before you, with love. With a genuine love. I wanted the best for them, I wanted to be there for them, and I wanted all of that. My love for you caused me to be absent from the relationship. To be rude, inconsiderate, and someone who I am not. I was somewhat manupulative into trying to make them you. Crazy right? Love does crazy things. I have prayed for the Lord to remove this from me if it is not right, so the next relationship I have, it can be true, and I can finally be able to give me, all of me. If I am physically able to do so. But if I continue to feel this way, then all I now is to continue to trust God, to continue rely on him for guidance until the next step in my life.

I cant be sad, the best is yet to come.
Just gotta hold my head high, Its hard to say goodbyes,
I have to keep taking the chance, I hope you understand.
I will not forget those times, I wont forget those feelings,
so dont forget I am going to see you again.

see ya soon

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

last night..

I stayed up until 3 last night. I drove around every inch of the shoals area. I understand everything. I do. I understand why and how. I get it. But I dont want it. You have your ways. I cant get away from it. I poured out everything that night. I will definitely have no regrets. You know my heart. Thats all I can do. Now, God's got it. I'll never see you. So I guess thats that. People ask me all the time to "go out". I dont want to. I dont even find them attractive. Believe me, normally, I would go. Go with anyone to get out of the norm of being at home. But not now. No guy seems appealing in the least bit.

"There's an opportune time to do things, a right time for everything...." Ecclesiastes 3:1 I love this scripture. I actually rehearsed it and this is what I spoke about win I won my senior pageant in high school. I thought I had it all together and knew exactly what this meant. Crazy, how scripture and God's word becomes more real to you everyday. Today, this means something completely different.

I got hurt. But I caused it. We all cause our own hurt. Others might try but if they hurt us, its because we let them. I let you last night. It sometimes is better to feel hurt than absolutely nothing at all from you. But I guess this is it. We are what we are... but I am holding strong. We will be what we will be.

Remaining Hopeful,

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Don't expect.

Hey All :)
So today is day 4 of my diet. Actually day 2. The first 2 days you GORGE yourself to gain energy for the next 30 days. Your body uses the drops to convert food into energy directly, and suppress your appetite. I only intake 500 calories a day - and I can barely eat those. I am always sooo FULL! I have lost 2 pounds. You are supposed to lose 30 lbs in 30 days... so we will see how this goes. I will be 23 in 1 month and 3 days. I am going to the beach... I am DEFINITELY sticking to this diet. If I lose 30 lbs by my birthday... hello beach!!

I cannot believe I will be 23. Geez Louise. 4 years ago, if you would have told me I'd be 23 single, working my butt off, owning a home, and actually enjoying yard work... baha! I would have said you're nuts! But that is actually were I am. I live for the day. When I am working, I am thinking about what house work, what yard work has to be done when I get home. (except laundry - I literally despise laundry!!!!!!) At 18, I had my whole life planned out. I thought I'd be married at this age... kids at this age... blah blah blah. NOPE. Life changes and surprises you.

I've learned to not "expect" things. When you expect someone to do something, expect someone to be something, expect to have certain things... you are setting yourself up for failure. Dont expect anything - just live for today. Then if something you want to happen actually happens. Awesome! I absolutely HATE disappointment and failure - so this is how I am going to cope with that.


Its like I'm not with me..

Going strong on 2 weeks... I am really not strong enough for this. Lord, patience and perseverance. Love bears all things.

The above song is my feelings for today.. Heard it in Lowe's department store... so I went over to the gardening section, sat in a patio chair, and just listened. Its perfect.

I miss those blue eyes, how you kissed me at night, I miss the way we sleep, like theres no sun rise, like the taste of your smile, I miss the way we breathe...

But I never told you what I shouldve said, no I never told you, I just held it in. And now, I miss everything about you. I cant believe that I still want you. After all the things we've been through, I miss everything about you.

I see your blue eyes everytime I close mine, you make it hard to see
Where I belong to when I am not around you, Its like I'm not with me.

I never should have walked away,


Sunday, July 24, 2011


Jesus loved me so much he gave his son for me. For all of us. He knew every mistake I would make, every sin I would commit, and still died for me. His love is so powerful. Just when I feel like this world couldnt get more hypocritical and feel more lonely - he wraps his loving arms around me and reminds me of why I am here. We are called to change our surroundings. To make a difference. To shine his love to everyone around us. I cant do that while moping around and complaining. Yeah, Im lonely, yeah, I am upset. But there is a dying world out there going to hell and I need to wake up and get myself together. Jesus did not die on the cross for me to sit around and complain about whats not right in my life. He died to realize what is right and that I am saved and I am going to spend eternity in heaven and to GO OUT and bring others on this journey with me. My priorities have definitely been in check tonight. Its okay to vent, its okay to admit that things arent perfect, but that is exactly whey we need him. Lord, come change my heart. Come make me see things as you see them, and in the ORDER you see them. Let me not be blinded to those around me and let me be aware of others hurts and how I can show your love. I dont want my shortcomings to distract me for what I am here to do. That is to love you and love others and show your love. Everything is a lesser thing compared to you. That is so real to me. Everything else in this world will pass away. One day it will be just me and you... and all the others who chose you. No fashion, no houses, no money, nothing else. Everything really is a lesser thing compared to you. Continue to make this even more real everyday. I want to be engaged and connected to you more and more.

I am so blessed. I know I vent and complain about what I dont have. But I never really say what I do. I have an awesome family. Great friends. And a wonderful loving church. I have a home and am blessed to have life and a chance to live. Jesus is awesome. If you dont know him... come find me. He will rock your world. He loves ordinary people. He can use ordinary people like you and me to make a huge difference in this world. You need him. Nothing else matters and everything really is a lesser thing compared to him. Promise.

Time for beddy bye.. :)



Listen to the above song.. its where my heart is tonight. It deals with a girl who wants something so bad to happen and then realizes that since it he never will be only hers then she moves on. I understand this. I get being lonely sucks, trust me. But I cant seem to get to the giving up part. I want to sometimes. In every other situation, Id give it a big "forget you" and move on. I cant forget it. I havent ever forgot it. Ive tried. It just never truly went away. I wont be able to have a successful relationship until something changes. Either my feelings, or... well lets just leave it at that.

Yeah, I make decisions without thinking and I HAVE to stop. I jump to conclusions and decide what I feels best and act on it. I have been better at this. Learning to trust and putting things in Gods hands. But it seems I like to be in control and always KNOW what will happen so I can guard my heart. But I cant win that way. The way to true happiness it to let God direct. I know this, I do. Its just really hard to continually turn everything over to him, daily. I feel as if I need to know, to be warned, I really cannot stand another heartbreak. God knows that... right? Please Lord, dont let me go through anything like that again. I am giving it all to you. Please, not again.

Its late, and again I cant sleep. Its been a week since we talked. Lord, please?


Saturday, July 23, 2011

Late night thoughts...

I absolutely never stay up this late. But after a movie night with Jameri, I cant seem to sleep. I have a bajillion thoughts running through my head. I have determined that in my life, I am devoting myself to live with no regrets. True.. I have some in my past. Who doesnt? But I want to change and rekindle what I feel should have never been torn apart. 2 years ago I was so young, not in just age but in maturity. I wanted to explore the new things and try new relationships with new friends and different people. But what I didnt realize is what I had. I had probably the best thing I will ever have... I am I sucker to believe everything happens for a reason and maybe I wouldnt truly know what I felt until I felt what it was like to look back and miss it. Like really miss it.

Like I said before, I am using this time to focus. Focus on things that matter and that I can actually control. I dont control my future. So I am just making myself available for God to use. But during this focus time, I am focused and determined to lose weight. I am not happy with myself. I feel sluggish and unattractive. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin... so tomorrow starts the fiercness. I am so determined and in 30 days there will be a significant difference in my looks. No doubt. Just wait.

Live the life of no regrets. Thats kinda hard to do right? No one intentionally does something that they would regret, well, not everyone. I see my future so different than the present. I see myself so happy with so much of my dreams and goals unraveling. There is nothing wrong with wanting love and your own fairy tale. However, there is something wrong with not excepting the real life story of fairy tales. They're are not easy, some take time, some take work, and others might not happen. Its a hard pill to swallow, but I promise, I will do all I can to make sure I am available for the Lord to work in my life. For me to be ready when my time comes for him to use me. I dont want to miss it. I want to be ready.

Rambling on...


Thursday, July 21, 2011

where to begin..

Lately, I've felt like I have erased everything I have worked for and completely started over at square 1. Its not easy not knowing where you stand and where to even go. I am standing in the mirror at a new beginning. Beginnings can be refreshing but not for me. I, for once, want something familiar -- something that I can run to when things get messy. It doesn't seem like things stay the same anymore. Someone is always changing, leaving, or finding something different. I like change -- I do. I just want one thing to call home. One thing to be able to remember and make memories with. I want something set in stone, something that never leaves, something that is dependable. No one these days seems dependable. They are so busy with their own lives and sometimes we all forget the importance of having each other. We need each other. We need people to lean on and depend on. Lately the Lord has been teaching me patience. Patience to hold on, to trust that there is something dependable and permanent and never changing worth waiting for. Its out there. and I just have to be patient for the right timing.

The unknown scares the donkeybutt out of me. At times I enjoy my alone time but more times than not do I long to have that one person, that one special person to be my rock. Sometimes I carry such huge loads with work and all the responsibilities I have recently taking on -- sometimes I need someone else to be the rock. I cant always hold it together. I am a tough girl who is unbreakable on the outside - but inside I am just a basketcase. I know; however, that during this time I have to use it to grow. If we arent growing - then we arent seeking. I need to use this time to seek God and seek who I am. It is important to know that God has my future in his hands and although I might have had things completely figured out in my head - those were my feelings - not his will. There is a huge difference and I have to choose to seek his will and not what I want in life.

Also, lately the Lord has been teaching me another lesson about how important it is to love everyone. We are called to be just like him. His love is like no other, he is love. I want to look past the worlds imperfections, peoples imperfections, wrongdoings, judgemental attitudes, and just love them. It is hard to love the unlovable. It is hard to love the people that continuously hurt you. But we have to, we cannot afford to let bitterness in our hearts. Its not worth it.

My life right now just consists of watching everyone else make major decisions in their life, get married, start families, and really start living -- while I am just now figuring out where and who I am supposed to be. In a sense I get angry but I am hanging on to the word and trusting that in God's timing - my true happiness will start.

Goodnight all.


What the heck...

I  thought why not! I always have a lot happening in my life. Crazy things that I bring upon myself. I am an independent girl who is learning to do things by herself. Life has a lot of ups and downs and I am determined to keep going. I will not let the trials of this life bring me down. The Lord is my provider and my shelter.

I recently bought a home for my own. It has been quite an experience. I am learning to mow the grass, pressure washer the driveway, and all sorts of tasks and chores that normal 23 year old girls never do. If it needs to be done -- I will find a way for it to happen.

This blog could get sappy at times, looney at times, and just plain crazzyyy.

Hope you enjoy!

Love Crystal