Void

When a pending pain is so big, there is an inner place that a soul will go to keep from breaking. A place where it sits and holds terribly still, an emotional coma that allows our heart a moment of Peace so that we can begin to heal. In this place we find a void, where there is no feeling, no up, no down, no sound, no taste. I can’t laugh or cry about you. I can’t run or can’t hide from you. There is not one day that goes by that I don’t wish I had you – so I guess in a way I am glad I still get a piece of you. I have written a million notes; some in love and some in anger. Yet, they are still lying in a drawer. I guess you get numb to the sting of the pain. I am just not sure how I keep you from doing this to me. I want it – but don’t at the same time. Crystal

One of my favorite journalists: Anais Nin

Anais Nin is a author from 90+ years ago and I think she is simply fabulous. Here is some of her stuff I have been reading lately. Isn't she bold and wonderful?

“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.” ― Anais Nin

“We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are.” ― Anais Nin

“From the backstabbing co-worker to the meddling sister-in-law, you are in charge of how you react to the people and events in your life. You can either give negativity power over your life or you can choose happiness instead. Take control and choose to focus on what is important in your life. Those who cannot live fully often become destroyers of life.” ― Anais Nin

“I hate men who are afraid of women's strength.” ― Anais Nin, Henry and June: From "A Journal of Love"--The Unexpurgated Diary of Anais Nin

And then there is my favorite of all...

"Something changes the moment you decide
you've found a person you are ready to reveal parts of your soul to.
Something stands out and makes the moment unique.
A profound multidimensional clarity resembling
a piece of carefully gathered stardust;
As if you are whispering "finally" and
your eyes fill with light and spontaneity.
As if you do not care whether your heart will
melt or crumble in the process because
of your brief courage undoes your tremendous fear of disbelief.
You live for these moments;
For you are, maybe for one second or more,
sweetly forced to surrender yourself to unconditional intimacy.
A moment of psychological reward smashing
all self-imposed disciplines founded on terror.
This is all you need." Anais Nin

Good Reading,
Crystal

What you see...

What you see sometimes can hurt. I have spent so much time in the secret place lately with Jesus. So much so, that some friends have been asking what I have been doing and where have I been. All I know to do is when I hurt... I take it to the secret place. When I don't understand... I take it to the secret place. When I want something SO BAD to happen and it doesn't... I take it to the secret place. I haven't gotten answers - but my burden has been lighten. I continue to get a "its gonna be alright" sense.. although I have no idea how.. I know He's got it. I cannot label situations with what I see with my naked eye. Because what I see at the moment looks absolutely nothing like what has been promised me. I mean it is almost the very opposite. But I am confident in what God has promised me for my life and I am hanging onto it for dear life. Everytime I go to him and pour out to him... I ask him to remove my passion for the things that aren't his will and to remove my narrow minded ways if he has things bigger and better for me that I cannot see at this time. I can promise that if it wasn't God in this - I would not hang onto it. I would not keep pursuing it. Because it hurts. I actually have never pursued something so much EVER in my whole life. I have never trusted anything to be so true and right when it looked the exact opposite. But I can with God. I can trust Him and what He has for my life. I know what that is... I just don't know His timing. Seems as things get easier to trust but they still "look" the same. So.. Today and everyday I choose to believe what he says is true versus what I see. Everyday that looks like crap... I choose to see beauty... I choose to see myself as He sees me, with who He sees me with, with what He sees me doing. I choose it.. always.



I choose Jesus.

Crystal

Love...

Well.. it has been over a year since I have posted. A lot has changed in that year. I had a great relationship. One that really rocked my world. But notice I said "had". I am not really going to get into many details about that. Too much... not enough space.

Mainly I am learning so much about love. Love really does conquer everything. As elementary as that seems sometimes - it holds so much power. Love allows me to look past everything I do not want to do in the flesh and overcome that with love. It allows me to look past every negative mindset, emotional, or feeling that I have and overcome that with love. We are required to love and it is such a blessing when we actually learn how to do so. God has completely wrecked me and my thinking within this year. I enjoy everyone's love. All of my friends are getting married, having babies, and loving life... and I really love their love. I am not jealous. I love it. That is an area I can see the Lord has really worked on me. I struggled with the fear of lonliness for so long and now that I finally have deliverance over that... I am infactuated with love... and not my love but everyone's. I applaud it and I literally get excited about it. Its so strange to me if I think about it in the flesh but it is so awesome.

At this time in my life, this is where I feel I am, and what the Lord is saying to me... If I just press in with all that I have, he will restore everything. If I just keep on keeping on giving everything to him and totally using him as my focus... restoration will come in every part of my life. How simple. This season I have stepped into is not peaches. I see things with my eyes that I have to overlook. I see desires for relationships that I want and think are right for me... but I have to overlook. Because my focus isn't on that. It is on Him. I can finally worship in church and not be distracted by who is singing. I can finally really really press in and feel God's presence stronger than I ever have. I have a fire in me, a yearning heart and it's pretty great. The devil is so stupid. He really is. His lies are no comparison to the truth I can back up with God's word. I am who God says I am and nothing less.

This blog is about to take a turn. No more of this mumble grumble stuff I was doing in the years past. I am more than my feelings. I am surrounded with love and even when I don't "feel" it. I love everything. I love God and I love every one of my friends. I love every relationship I have and previously had. I am thankful for so many things that knocked me down... because God picked me up. He rescued me and .... ahhhh I just am so in love with Him.

On November 16, 2012 I wrote a letter. A letter to someone who will always be a huge part of me. I was so vulnerable in that letter. I shredded every bit of shame off of me. I apologized for things, that in my flesh I didn't even think I did. But that's what love is. I give up the right to be right. I don't care about being right. I love enough that I will give up myself for someone. That is love. I want what's best for them. I am happy with whats best for them no matter if it ever involves me. That is love. I want to learn how to love even more. The more I press into God.. the more love I am exposed to.


Love conquers all
Crystal