Wednesday, September 28, 2011


Memories make you hurt. Memories make you smile. Seems lately that no matter how much I remember and how much I remember all the struggles. I still want you. I still feel like thats where we are meant to be. Thats been really hard these past 6 months. Really hard. But I feel a sense of peace about it. It doesnt make it "go away" perhaps but just makes it bearable. God continues to show me things and visions that I can't share with anyone because they are about the two of us. Some are just about you but most include both. I am happy that we can get along now, I am happy that we can laugh and cut up and be civil around each other. No one really knows all the thoughts running through my head. Through the "crumbling" of our relationship, I have realized that I put all my hope in a relationship with you and for you to make me happy. I didnt put all my hope in the relationship that I had with God. That is terrible. I have realized that the need to have the "constant" person with me was me trying to fill the void that only God can fill. He is with me always, and no offense, but I didnt need you with me always, because he was there. I desired, adored, and was so emotionally attached to you. There is nothing wrong with that, but what was wrong was that I did that to only you and did not have a HIGHER affection for God. I desired that from you and only you. During this time of my life, God has revealed his self so strong. He has basically said I AM YOUR LOVE. YOU DONT NEED ANY OTHER LOVERS. All that affection and adoration I gave you is what he is worthy of. I now think on him constantly instead of you. He has taught me the balance of the love of things on this Earth and the love that he is worthy of. Which is EVERYTHING. I have prayed and asked him to remove these thoughts of you from my mind. But for 6 months, he hasn't. It never fails.. every day... EVERY SINGLE DAY... I will have a weak moment. A moment where this huge lump in my throat comes in and I feel like I have a hard time breathing. It is during that time that something reminds me of you. I remember a certain memory or something else that brings this weak moment on. I press in with God and ask what the truth is, why does this happen. Like I said before, it would be so much easier to not remember you, to not want you back. This is in the Lord's hands and I am finally okay with the fact that his plan could take years. I need to be anxious in nothing. He has a plan for me and you that is SO great. Right now, I believe it is for us together... but maybe not. I am holding on to his promises and his direction and if that leads to you... awesome. If not, I pray that these thoughts, and feelings cease. and fast! This is not easy whatsoever. But it is teaching me more than I ever would have known otherwise. Everything works together for our good.

and the lump appears yet again...


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