Monday, April 29, 2013

What you see...

What you see sometimes can hurt. I have spent so much time in the secret place lately with Jesus. So much so, that some friends have been asking what I have been doing and where have I been. All I know to do is when I hurt... I take it to the secret place. When I don't understand... I take it to the secret place. When I want something SO BAD to happen and it doesn't... I take it to the secret place. I haven't gotten answers - but my burden has been lighten. I continue to get a "its gonna be alright" sense.. although I have no idea how.. I know He's got it. I cannot label situations with what I see with my naked eye. Because what I see at the moment looks absolutely nothing like what has been promised me. I mean it is almost the very opposite. But I am confident in what God has promised me for my life and I am hanging onto it for dear life. Everytime I go to him and pour out to him... I ask him to remove my passion for the things that aren't his will and to remove my narrow minded ways if he has things bigger and better for me that I cannot see at this time. I can promise that if it wasn't God in this - I would not hang onto it. I would not keep pursuing it. Because it hurts. I actually have never pursued something so much EVER in my whole life. I have never trusted anything to be so true and right when it looked the exact opposite. But I can with God. I can trust Him and what He has for my life. I know what that is... I just don't know His timing. Seems as things get easier to trust but they still "look" the same. So.. Today and everyday I choose to believe what he says is true versus what I see. Everyday that looks like crap... I choose to see beauty... I choose to see myself as He sees me, with who He sees me with, with what He sees me doing. I choose it.. always.

I choose Jesus.


Monday, April 22, 2013


Well.. it has been over a year since I have posted. A lot has changed in that year. I had a great relationship. One that really rocked my world. But notice I said "had". I am not really going to get into many details about that. Too much... not enough space.

Mainly I am learning so much about love. Love really does conquer everything. As elementary as that seems sometimes - it holds so much power. Love allows me to look past everything I do not want to do in the flesh and overcome that with love. It allows me to look past every negative mindset, emotional, or feeling that I have and overcome that with love. We are required to love and it is such a blessing when we actually learn how to do so. God has completely wrecked me and my thinking within this year. I enjoy everyone's love. All of my friends are getting married, having babies, and loving life... and I really love their love. I am not jealous. I love it. That is an area I can see the Lord has really worked on me. I struggled with the fear of lonliness for so long and now that I finally have deliverance over that... I am infactuated with love... and not my love but everyone's. I applaud it and I literally get excited about it. Its so strange to me if I think about it in the flesh but it is so awesome.

At this time in my life, this is where I feel I am, and what the Lord is saying to me... If I just press in with all that I have, he will restore everything. If I just keep on keeping on giving everything to him and totally using him as my focus... restoration will come in every part of my life. How simple. This season I have stepped into is not peaches. I see things with my eyes that I have to overlook. I see desires for relationships that I want and think are right for me... but I have to overlook. Because my focus isn't on that. It is on Him. I can finally worship in church and not be distracted by who is singing. I can finally really really press in and feel God's presence stronger than I ever have. I have a fire in me, a yearning heart and it's pretty great. The devil is so stupid. He really is. His lies are no comparison to the truth I can back up with God's word. I am who God says I am and nothing less.

This blog is about to take a turn. No more of this mumble grumble stuff I was doing in the years past. I am more than my feelings. I am surrounded with love and even when I don't "feel" it. I love everything. I love God and I love every one of my friends. I love every relationship I have and previously had. I am thankful for so many things that knocked me down... because God picked me up. He rescued me and .... ahhhh I just am so in love with Him.

On November 16, 2012 I wrote a letter. A letter to someone who will always be a huge part of me. I was so vulnerable in that letter. I shredded every bit of shame off of me. I apologized for things, that in my flesh I didn't even think I did. But that's what love is. I give up the right to be right. I don't care about being right. I love enough that I will give up myself for someone. That is love. I want what's best for them. I am happy with whats best for them no matter if it ever involves me. That is love. I want to learn how to love even more. The more I press into God.. the more love I am exposed to.

Love conquers all