My life couldnt be anymore perfect...

Wow... Its been a while since I posted last. Me and Blake are back. Stronger and more in love than ever. It was like God had to take me to a place where all I had was his love and nothing or nobody else on this earth to depend on. I found inner peace with myself and as that happened -- my life started to get better and relationships started to form out of the blue. I mean, come on... being apart for 7 months and never speaking at all.. and all the sudden we are talking - confessing our feelings to each other, and so on. That stuff doesnt just happen. It is destined by God. It amazes me. Blake is awesome. We are awesome. WE are a complete 180 degrees from what we were. But in a good way.. a GREAT way. I cannot WAIT to see what happens next. We have been back for 4 months and these 4 months have simply been better than the past 2 years we had together. I am tickled to death!

So in Love,
Crystal

Pulled in different directions...

Wow.. So lately things have really changed. I have had great moments that I have truly missed. God is really workin on things in my life and I feel at peace where he is taking me. Since things are going so well... You know what that means. It means that others will try to discourage you, bring you down, and make you second guess every blessing God is giving you. It hurts me sometimes that others can't be happy for you. Maybe they dont understand what your doing at the moment but it shouldnt matter. I just need everyone to worry about their own lives and if they suspect that I am not doing something right then I would appreciate prayer. Not discouragement-- especially on the one thing that makes me so happy!

I also learned since the last time I blogged that a friend of mine had different intentions that never ever would have crossed my mind. It sucks. I care a lot about that person and now that this has come up... We no longer can be close like we were. I was there for them.. And they were always there for me. But now, everything changes. Everything is awkward and complicated. I don't know what to think about it honestly. I kinda am shocked by it. I'm just gonna miss my friend.

I know that when you are being attacked by something/someone that means that you must be doing something right and something that the devil feels threatened by. So I am holdin on and trying to constantly love others despite all of their discouragments and blows to my heart. I am commanded to love everyone as Christ loves the church. I will do my part and hopefully they will come around. This is hard but I am learning to be more tolerable and to cling closer and more on Gods word and not the approval of man.

I feel like I am being pulled on several different directions but I am keeping my focus and trying to be strong.

Crystal

Take me back Tuesday.

Its been a while since I blogged. Things have been a little crazy.

Here recently, things have been different. Better. But different. I have been spending a lot of time in the word. A lot of time "digging", for answers, for decisions. I seem like I have found some light to certain situations. I have been having some really special times lately. Times I have missed.

I have taken certain vows with the Lord. Vows to myself and vows that will affect whoever I date, and ultimately marry. I have been tugged toward this for a while now. Finally, my pride took a backseat and I took the vow. It will take so much effort. But my God is a big God and I believe he has big plans for me. Not sure how long this will take. But I am devoted.

I want to believe that everyone has the right motives. That the things they do and say and how they treat you are pure and honest. It really is hard to do. I don't always want to search for an underlying meaning to why someone acts the way they do. I am working on this.

Lately, I have had to put such a guard on my heart. I am still hooked to a lot things in this life that mean a lot to me. But no matter my feelings I have to make sure they line up with God's will for my life. I can't let my feelings run my life and be the reason why I do certain things. I have to do things out of truth and for the kingdom of God. If not, everything is useless. So I am praying that God remove these feelings or show me that they are pure and honest and they do line up with his will. I must be strong and follow him... not flesh.

This Tuesday took me back,
Crystal

Memories

Memories make you hurt. Memories make you smile. Seems lately that no matter how much I remember and how much I remember all the struggles. I still want you. I still feel like thats where we are meant to be. Thats been really hard these past 6 months. Really hard. But I feel a sense of peace about it. It doesnt make it "go away" perhaps but just makes it bearable. God continues to show me things and visions that I can't share with anyone because they are about the two of us. Some are just about you but most include both. I am happy that we can get along now, I am happy that we can laugh and cut up and be civil around each other. No one really knows all the thoughts running through my head. Through the "crumbling" of our relationship, I have realized that I put all my hope in a relationship with you and for you to make me happy. I didnt put all my hope in the relationship that I had with God. That is terrible. I have realized that the need to have the "constant" person with me was me trying to fill the void that only God can fill. He is with me always, and no offense, but I didnt need you with me always, because he was there. I desired, adored, and was so emotionally attached to you. There is nothing wrong with that, but what was wrong was that I did that to only you and did not have a HIGHER affection for God. I desired that from you and only you. During this time of my life, God has revealed his self so strong. He has basically said I AM YOUR LOVE. YOU DONT NEED ANY OTHER LOVERS. All that affection and adoration I gave you is what he is worthy of. I now think on him constantly instead of you. He has taught me the balance of the love of things on this Earth and the love that he is worthy of. Which is EVERYTHING. I have prayed and asked him to remove these thoughts of you from my mind. But for 6 months, he hasn't. It never fails.. every day... EVERY SINGLE DAY... I will have a weak moment. A moment where this huge lump in my throat comes in and I feel like I have a hard time breathing. It is during that time that something reminds me of you. I remember a certain memory or something else that brings this weak moment on. I press in with God and ask what the truth is, why does this happen. Like I said before, it would be so much easier to not remember you, to not want you back. This is in the Lord's hands and I am finally okay with the fact that his plan could take years. I need to be anxious in nothing. He has a plan for me and you that is SO great. Right now, I believe it is for us together... but maybe not. I am holding on to his promises and his direction and if that leads to you... awesome. If not, I pray that these thoughts, and feelings cease. and fast! This is not easy whatsoever. But it is teaching me more than I ever would have known otherwise. Everything works together for our good.

and the lump appears yet again...
Crystal

The truth is...

Where my head is at the moment:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cDSCjmxO4T4

"Oh it's easy going out on Friday, It's easy everytime I see him out, I can smile, live it up, forget about the way it was, Oh but what he, what he don't know is how hard it is to make it look so easy..."

"The truth is that I miss lyin' in those arms of his. But I don't ever let it show, I laugh and I act like I'm having the time of my life as far as he knows.."

"It's easy goin' out on a Friday night. Easy, everytime I see him out
I can smile, live it up, The way a single girl does. But, what he, what he don't know, is how hard it is to make it look so easy"

I remember things, things I wish I didn't. Your hands, your feet, your smile, your freckles. I don't just see them and remember what they look like. I remember what they used to look like in my hands, propped up next to my feet, I remember the smile that could crash a million walls, I remember tracing all those freckles with my fingers. I remember everything. All I need is one glimpse, and I remember it all. I just want to forget it all, forget everything, I used to want to remember the good and forget the bad. Now, I just want to forget it all. Its not easy remembering you. Its not easy pretending to not care and that you are a casual friend. I want to forget. Lord, please help me to forget. I don't want to remember what was. I want to forget what crushed me.

It's just not easy,
Crystal

Closer

Quote of the YEAR:
"Talking with quiet confidence will always beat screaming with obvious insecurity!"

Amen to that!! I have to constantly remind myself that the devil is at work, not just on me, but the people around me. He knows what gets under my skin and what irritates me the most. But I cannot let him win. I cannot let my pride and insecurities get in the way of the ultimate goal of loving others no matter their ways. Lately, I have been bothered by someone who used to be close to me. They used to be such a great friend. Now, nothing. Its a complete 180 degrees from what it used to be and not only that... but they are the one person, lately, that causes me to struggle with my walk. It is so nuts. This is what happens, though, when we put our hope in the things and the people of this world. Everybody will disappoint you. Everyone. However, I must treat them as Jesus would treat them and love them as Jesus loves them. That is the MOST difficult thing for me. I will admit that I am a stubborn person, but I will also admit that I try really really hard to get along with everyone and make everyone happy. It really gets to me when after all my efforts, that some people just aren't lovable. IN THE LEAST!
Last night, I had a dream. I believe I'll share it. I was in a dark room and all I could hear was crickets and creaking floors. It was cold and uncomfortable. This room felt sticky as if you were in a dungeon and couldn't see the nasty and creepy things sitting around you. This room had no windows, and I was so scared. However, there was one light shining from beneath the door of that room. I kept trying to crawl to the light but it seemed that the floor was tough to walk on and I kept falling. Everytime I would get up the light seem to get brighter. I kept going and going and would get so tired. After numerous attempts I finally made up my mind that I was tired of being "held back". I was tired of just sitting in a cold place and not OVERCOMING the darkness. I am sure you can already see the message of this dream. COMPLETELY POWERFUL. But in the dream I felt as if I struggled forever. But I finally got to the light and it was almost if I could breathe fresher. I opened the door and all I could see (in my dream) was me smiling with the biggest smile I could have. I believe it was the Lord's way of telling me to keep going, the light (him) is worth every struggle.. dont be complacent in my walk, just because its hard, DONT GIVE UP! Here lately, things have been hitting me pretty hard, but I have kept going. Although I dont see any answers, I know that the ultimate answer is worth the struggle. This life is hard and people will lash out at you and hurt you. Life will not be comfortable. But I am an overcomer. I know the promises that the Lord has given me, and although I have tried to forget them or push them aside because now they seem unachieveable, they are HIS promises to me, and if I hold steady everything will come to pass. Through these past 5 months, I have seen such a growth because I have made my mind up to never lose sight of his love. Sometimes I dont feel it, but its not about feelings. It is about certainty. I feel as if I can hear his voice clearer and I can recognize his glory in the small things that I never had before. God is such an awesome God. I have to constantly and daily make my mind up to keep going. Because it's gonna be worth it, its gonna be worth it all. :)

Keep running the race,
Crystal

Day 21

3 weeks down on this stupid diet and I have lost 12 lbs. Need to be losing more but it seems as if my body looses sporadically and on its timing. So I am still eating 500 calories and taking these drops. Maybe soon I will start picking up a little faster.

I am trying to constantly surround myself with some inspiration!!

Anyways, I go to the beach in 1 week from tomorrow with just my mother! I cannot wait!! It will be good for us both to get away!! I hope I lose another 8 lbs before next week. I really want to be down 20 when I go to the beach. I will still have 10 more to go but atleast I can feel comfortable on the beach.

Lately, I have been seeking God like never before. Like seeking him hard. In everywhere, in every place, in every circumstance. I recently had a scare at my house and someone stole stuff... and that instance made me so fearful. But instead of running and worrying as I would have done before... I have DECLARED that I am safe. I have a God that is always by my side and he has his angel's around my house at all hours of the day. I have had a sense of faith that is deeper than ever before. I have always believed and always sought after God... but now its just on a different level. I want to continue to go deeper and discover him in more places in my life. I want him to be my answer to everything, because he is. He is the answer.

Also, it seems during this time in my life, there is not that many positive influences around me. I mean, yeah at church, but not really in my everyday life. I have had to separate myself from some friends. But someone recently told me that is it better to have favor with God, anytime, and not have favor with your friends. This is so true. We must continue to not try to please this world but please him. That also goes for our flesh. WE must continue to not strive to please what our body wants but what God wants for us.

Last night at prayer service, Jesus was so evident in that sanctuary. Me and him talked... really talked. The biggest thing here lately that I have struggled with is love. Not loving others, I feel like I do a pretty good job with that... but myself feeling love. I have a hard time, if I dont feel like I am loved from "that significant other", or "family" or friends. That really gets to me, more than it should. But last night I felt as if God was telling me that HIS love is enough. He is more than enough. He is love and if I have him, thats all I need. When I pray, I promise it is like I am talking to him face to face. Someone who didnt have that kind of relationship with him might think I am crazy if they heard me. But I prayed that he would take the desire out of my life for a "husband" or a "significant other" if it was not my time to have a relationship that would lead to that. I am seriously exhausted and drained from the devil drilling me with thoughts as if "I am not loved" or "I am not good enough" or "I will always be single and lonely" I dont believe those. I just believe there are things that some people have to wait for. "Having faith in God, means also having faith in His timing" So that is what I am doing. Trusting him, removing the desires and cares from my heart that he is not "ready" for me to pursue at this time. I am focused on Him and His walk for my life at this time. And if I seek him first, well then everything else will be added unto me. He promises that in his word. And right now, that is what I am clingling to.

Love,
Crystal